I was a remote employee for 4 years before the COVID-19 pandemic in March 2020 sent everyone into forced remote work. I was a remote manager leading a co-located team. I traveled to the home office nearly every 6-8 weeks, so I also had a decent amount of face time with my team.

In our world in 2021, companies are in the midst of struggling with decisions about "return to work" or more appropriately named "return to office" plans (since we've been working this whole time).

Here's what I felt and experienced while being a hybrid team, remote employee, and "onsite" employee.

Because of the nature of my role, I was in a TON of meetings. As many manager, director or higher level employees are. This particular situation didn't change when I was remote or onsite. You'd think that I'd get more of "my own" work done when I was working remotely compared to being at the office, but I'd say they were about equal.

Working remotely, when you are one of the few working remotely, caused for me a sense of worry about how I was being perceived by my colleagues, team members, and leaders. I felt like I had to always respond right away to a Slack message for fear that they'd wonder "what else is she doing besides being at home and working?" The truth is, this meant I was in back to back Zoom meetings starting at 8am through 2pm. I wouldn't feel like I had time to fill up my water glass halfway across the room.

Despite the in-office culture that it's okay to be late to meetings because of the need to travel between floors, rooms, and meetings running over, it never felt like it was okay for me, the remote employee, to be late to a meeting.

I resorted to buying cases of bottled water and La Croix so I could make sure I stayed hydrated at home.

You might hear this story and think that this is entirely on me, my perceptions of the workplace, what I assumed others were thinking, etc. And you're not entirely wrong. You're also not 100% right.

Without clear expectations, our minds make up stories based off our experiences, worldview, values, and observations. What we expect of others is often something that we can use in regulating our own behaviors, too. We create these stories and assumptions because our brain and psychology is always looking for how to categorize things.

This is also one factor that comes into play at work when considering workplace belonging. We want to be part of the group -- because being separated from the group is seen to our neuro-programming and brain psychology as a threat to our well being. It is why we have always tried to fit in throughout our growing up, and why societal norms and cultural assimilation is so rampant.

Let's break this down a little into a real world scenario.

As one of only a handful of remote employees, I already felt like an outsider. Strike one against my sense of belonging. Then, because the working norms weren't set for me -- like it was okay if I needed to be late to meetings or schedule time for lunch -- I created the norms that felt like less of a threat to my status within the group.

A high performer all my life, I have had a very successful career, and I've also dealt with anxiety and worry about maintaining that high performer status. Couple that with chronic low self-esteem, rooted in traumas from childhood, I was always looking to the outside for validation and guidance. Plus, a study of psychology tells us that our brains have a negativity bias: meaning we are prone to see and point out the negative of whatever situation. Result? I was frequently afraid that I was going to get fired. I took regular actions that fed my sense of perfectionism, "being a good employee," looking for ways to go above and beyond to "prove" that I was worthy of keeping my job and my salary.

And now we're back to how I would barely take any breaks for bathroom or to hydrate when there was an urgent need for my participation in more conversations at work.

There were no working norms for a remote employee compared to an onsite employee. It was more or less assumed that I wouldn't let my remote work status compromise my work or company performance.

I definitely lived in fear of my boss telling me: "it isn't working for you to be remote, and we need you to relocate." So I felt like I had to keep earning this "privilege" of working remotely.

As you can see from this first example -- it didn't always feel like a privilege working remotely. Sure I was able to live where I wanted to, while doing interesting work. But I was getting burnt out fast.

That wasn't the only thing.

The other big thing was the transition between being remote at home vs. working in the office.

First off, being in the office felt like I had to "make the most" of the time in office. This meant, even more meetings than usual. On a typical onsite day, I would have meetings solidly from 8am through 6pm. If our office hadn't brought in lunch, I'm not sure what I would've done for food. Most of those meetings came away with action items, so I was either scrambling to get things done in the moments I had, multi-tasking in meetings, or working from my airbnb after dinner. I'm also an early bird, so some nights, I was asleep by 9pm and then up at 5 or 6am to get things done before we were back to the all day meetings from 8am-6pm.

These onsite days were rough, and a completely different shift in energy than when I was at home. Whole new routines and habits were needed, and I found myself getting dehydrated early in my trips because I forgot to hydrate.

Then, when I would get home again, I'd have to reorient to being at home. There were carry over meetings from my onsite time, and it took several days to get back onto a rhythm or routine for working remotely. Remembering to set boundaries to make sure that I stayed hydrated and took care of my needs. Getting the right amount of groceries in the house again. All while adjusting back to the performative nature of being on Zoom calls.

Have you ever noticed yourself watching how you react or engage on zoom calls? This is a constant for most of us, and we barely even acknowledge it. What's happening in our brains is a constant check, worry, and assessment of ourselves. This is taking up valuable brain processing time and energy. It is a big part of why we are more exhausted from video calls many times.

I shared my stories and real truths of being a remote and sometimes hybrid employee. This is to give you perspective on what can really be going on for your team. The more you know, the more likely you can be to fix it. Did you relate to anything that I shared? Even a kernel of connection to my very real story (and likely the story of many of your top performers or other team members) is a powerful start towards shifting how you lead your team through these challenging situations.

As you consider a "return to office" or "hybrid work" plan, remember my stories. The sweeping energy shifts between remote and onsite work that I experienced would be multiplied over time while your team is working a combination of remote and onsite days within a given week. Adjustment time will be needed. It's likely to take months for anyone to feel like they are able to balance their energies, habits, working styles, and more, with two different working environments. So take time now to map out and expect a performance dip because of the switch in environments. It will be okay.

Next, make sure you set clear expectations for why you're doing a hybrid workplan.

Most companies that I speak with are considering hybrid work and just "trusting it will all work out." This is a recipe for disaster. If you fail to plan, you plan to fail.

So what needs to be planned for with hybrid work? Here's some important examples:

What are the working norms or expectations for how work time is spent whether at the office or remote? Example: if onsite time is intended for more collaborative time (aka more meetings), can those meetings spill over into a remote work day?

What boundaries and limitations are you expecting that your team will set for themselves while they work from home vs. onsite? It's time we start to get more clear about what is okay and what sends up a red flag. This is a key area where we need to look at whether we're requiring behaviors that are inclusive of people's needs or that feed our own insecurities as leaders and introduce bias.